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Stewart's Daily Jokes

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Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by Jack on Thu Jul 15, 2010 5:18 pm

This will be Stewart's daily jokes thread, one joke a day, starting from tomorrow Smile
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by STEWART on Fri Jul 16, 2010 10:42 am

fri 16th
Some race horses staying in a stable

One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, i've won 8 of them!"

Another breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races , i've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, i've won 28!",says another flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.

"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in My last 90 races, i've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed.

"Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by Jack on Fri Jul 16, 2010 1:09 pm

STEWART wrote:fri 16th
Some race horses staying in a stable

One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, i've won 8 of them!"

Another breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races , i've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, i've won 28!",says another flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.

"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in My last 90 races, i've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed.

"Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
That's quite a catchy one there Stewart, was expecting them to be amazed at his track record Embarassed
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by whisper on Fri Jul 16, 2010 1:39 pm

lol, nice one Stewart

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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by Dessie89 on Fri Jul 16, 2010 2:30 pm

good 1
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by STEWART on Sat Jul 17, 2010 11:12 am

This Newmarket horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered.But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening ,she would win easily,but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last.He consulted the top veterinarians and a horse psychologist to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become.....................a real night mare.

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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by ockey on Sat Jul 17, 2010 6:15 pm

STEWART wrote:This Newmarket horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered.But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening ,she would win easily,but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last.He consulted the top veterinarians and a horse psychologist to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become.....................a real night mare.


Good one like it
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by Jack on Sat Jul 17, 2010 6:43 pm

STEWART wrote:This Newmarket horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered.But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening ,she would win easily,but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last.He consulted the top veterinarians and a horse psychologist to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become.....................a real night mare.

That's a good one stewart.
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by STEWART on Sun Jul 18, 2010 10:39 am

.......................................HUNGARIAN REFEREE

Some years ago an important European match between England and Scotland was taking place in Milan. The referee was Hungarian. His command of English left a good deal to be desired and the players of both teams were taking the mickey out of him at every opportunity. Finally the Hungarian's patience ran out. "You British !" he shouted. "You think i know damn nothing about the games, let me tell you i know damn all !"

..............................................................
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by STEWART on Mon Jul 19, 2010 1:25 pm

A horse visited a cricket ground, and trotted over to the manager and asked for a tryout. The manager, stunned by the talking horse, figured he'd give the tryout a go.

The horse took batting practice and slammed several balls out of the ground. Next came fielding practice, and he stopped everything at square leg, and fired the ball to the wicketkeeper each time with amazing accuracy.

The dazed manager said, "Great ! Now let's see you run." The horse said "Are you kidding? If i could run, i'd be at Ascot.

...................
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by STEWART on Tue Jul 20, 2010 1:05 pm

Dave was leading his horse down the road and met his neighbour Bob. His neighbour said to him "What are you going to do with that horse ?" Dave replied "race it " Bob then replied "Well by the looks of it you'll win !".

.................
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by STEWART on Wed Jul 21, 2010 1:10 pm

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do i go ?" But when the horse i bet on is at the Tote window betting on another horse in the same race............

......................
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by Dessie89 on Wed Jul 21, 2010 3:14 pm

nice 1 stewart
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by STEWART on Thu Jul 22, 2010 3:43 pm

........................................IRATE OWNER

His horse lost the race, and the owner was irate. "I thought i told you to come with a rush at the end," he screamed at the jockey. " I would have," answered the jockey, " but i didn't want to leave the horse behind."

.................
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by STEWART on Fri Jul 23, 2010 10:48 am

A horse walks up to the bar and orders a drink from the barman. The barman sets the drink in front of him and tells the horse, "it's ok mate, you can talk to me. Why the long face ?"

.....................................
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by STEWART on Sat Jul 24, 2010 11:26 am

A lady buys two horses but she can't tell them apart. Her neighbour tells her to trim one of the horses tails. So she did. But the other horse gets his tail stuck in a bush and get's his tail cut in the same place. So then the neighbour says, "Pierce one of the horses ears." So she did. But the other horse gets its ear stuck on a barbed wire fence and gets its ear pierced in the same place. So finally the nieghbour says "Why don't you measure one of the horses and see which one is taller. " So she did. Wel lthe owner was relieved to find out that the black horse was 6 inches taller than the white horse.

...................................
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by STEWART on Sun Jul 25, 2010 11:42 am

A bloke walks into a bar, "Hey , barman give me a beer." The barman says, "Tell you what,if you can make that horse out there laugh, i will give you a free beer and £500." So the bloke walks outside and whispers to the horse. The horse laughs.The bloke walks back in and says, "Where's my £500 and free beer?" Barman says "Alright, double or nothing says you can't make that horse cry." The bloke walks outside again. The barman chuckles to himself as he's cleaning a glass, and misses what the bloke does, but hears the horse crying. The bloke comes back in and says "Alright where's my £1,000 and two free beers?" Barman says "What did you say to make the horse laugh?" "I told him i have a bigger penis than him." Barman says, "What did you do to make him cry?" Bloke said "I showed him."

...............................
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by STEWART on Sun Jul 25, 2010 11:43 am

it doubled up


Last edited by STEWART on Sun Jul 25, 2010 11:46 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : came up twice)
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by Jack on Sun Jul 25, 2010 10:47 pm

Some great jokes there stewart.
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by STEWART on Mon Jul 26, 2010 1:09 pm

...............................................TWO STUPID MEN

Two stupid men bought a bunch of horses at an auction, paying one hundred pounds apiece for them. Then they drove to another auction, and sold all their horses for the same price they'd paid for them. After counting their money at the end of the day, they realised that they'd ended up with no more money than they'd started with. "See !" said one. "I told you we shoulda bought more horses !"

.....................................
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by Jack on Mon Jul 26, 2010 1:33 pm

Haha, that's quite cool Wink
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by STEWART on Tue Jul 27, 2010 11:25 am

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, the jockey is well ahead of the field. Suddenly he's hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He manages to keep control of his mount and pulls back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and dozen mince pies as he goes over the last fence. With great skill he manages to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in he's struck on the head by a bottle of Sherry and a Christmas pudding thus distracted, he succeeds in coming only second. He immediatly goes to the stewards to complain that he has been seriously hampered.

.................................................
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by Dessie89 on Tue Jul 27, 2010 3:02 pm

quality, nice 1
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by ockey on Tue Jul 27, 2010 10:46 pm

IT'S A CRACKER
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Re: Stewart's Daily Jokes

Post by STEWART on Thu Jul 29, 2010 12:17 pm

.....................................FOOTBALL
..................................HEAVY RAIN

A match between two non-league teams took place last winter in the North of England. It had been raining heavily all week and the ground resembled a swamp.

However, the referee ruled that play was possible and tossed the coin to determine ends.

The visiting captain won the toss and, after a moment's thought, said, "Ok-we'll take the shalloe end."

.................
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